AQUARIUS
- JANUARY 20 to FEBRUARY 18
YOU HAVE AN INVENTIVE MIND AND ARE
INCLINED TO BE PROGRESSIVE.
YOU LIE A GREAT DEAL. YOU MAKE THE SAME MISTAKES REPEATEDLY
BECAUSE YOU ARE STUPID.
EVERYONE THINKS YOU'RE A FUCKING JERK.
PISCES - FEBRUARY 19 to MARCH 20
YOU HAVE A VIVID IMAGINATION AND
OFTEN THINK YOU ARE BEING FOLLOWED BY THE F.B.I. OR THE C.I.A.
YOU HAVE MINOR INFLUENCE ON YOUR FRIENDS AND PEOPLE RESENT
YOU FOR FLAUNTING YOUR POWER.
YOU LACK CONFIDENCE AND ARE A GENERAL DIPSHIT.
ARIES - MARCH 21 to APRIL 19
YOU ARE THE PIONEER TYPE AND THINK
MOST PEOPLE ARE DICKHEADS. YOU ARE QUICK TEMPERED, IMPATIENT,
AND SCORNFUL OF ADVICE. YOU ARE A PRICK.
TAURUS - APRIL 20 to MAY 20
YOU ARE PRACTICAL AND PERSISTENT.
YOU HAVE DOGGED DETERMINATION AND WORK LIKE HELL. MOST PEOPLE
THINK YOU ARE STUBBORN AND BULLHEADED. YOU ARE NOTHING BUT
A GODDAMN COMMUNIST.
GEMINI - MAY 21 to JUNE 20
YOU ARE A QUICK AND INTELLIGENT
THINKER. PEOPLE LIKE YOU BECAUSE YOU ARE BISEXUAL. YOU ARE
INCLINED TO EXPECT TOO MUCH FOR TOO LITTLE. THIS MEANS YOU
ARE A CHEAP BASTARD. GEMINIS ARE NOTORIOUS FOR THRIVING ON
INSECTS.
CANCER - JUNE 21 to JULY 22
YOU ARE SYMPATHETIC AND UNDERSTANDING
TO OTHER PEOPLES PROBLEMS WHICH MAKES YOU A SUCKER. YOU ARE
ALWAYS PUTTING THINGS OFF. THIS IS WHY YOU WILL ALWAYS BE
ON WELFARE AND WON'T BE WORTH A SHIT. EVERYBODY IN PRISON
IS A CANCER.
LEO - JULY 23 to AUGUST 22
YOU CONSIDER YOURSELF A BORN LEADER.
OTHERS THINK YOU'RE AN IDIOT. MOST LEOS ARE BULLIES. YOU ARE
VAIN AND CANNOT TOLERATE HONEST CRITICISM. YOUR ARROGANCE
IS DISGUSTING. LEO PEOPLE ARE THIEVING MOTHER-FUCKERS AND
SPEND MOST OF THEIR TIME KISSING MIRRORS.
VIRGO - AUGUST 23 to SEPTEMBER 22
YOU ARE A LOGICAL TYPE AND HATE
DISORDER. THIS SHIT-PICKING IS SICKENING TO YOUR FRIENDS.
YOU ARE COLD AND UNEMOTIONAL AND OFTEN FALL ASLEEP SCREWING.
VIRGOS MAKE GOOD BUS DRIVERS AND PIMPS.
LIBRA - SEPTEMBER 23 to OCTOBER 22
YOU ARE THE ARTISTIC TYPE AND HAVE
A DIFFICULT TIME WITH REALITY. IF YOU ARE MALE YOU ARE PROBABLY
QUEER. CHANCES FOR EMPLOYMENT AND MONETARY GAIN ARE NIL. MOST
LIBRA WOMEN ARE WHORES.
ALL LIBRAS DIE OF VENEREAL DISEASE.
SCORPIO - OCTOBER 23 to NOVEMBER 21
THE WORST OF THE LOT. YOU ARE SHREWD
IN BUSINESS AND CANNOT BE TRUSTED. YOU SHALL ACHIEVE THE PINNACLE
OF SUCCESS BECAUSE OF YOUR TOTAL LACK OF ETHICS. YOU ARE A
PERFECT SON- OF -A -BITCH. MOST SCORPIOS ARE MURDERED.
SAGITTARIUS - NOVEMBER 22 to DECEMBER 21
YOU ARE OPTIMISTIC AND ENTHUSIASTIC.
YOU HAVE A RECKLESS TENDENCY TO RELY ON LUCK SINCE YOU HAVE
NO TALENT. THE MAJORITY OF SAGITTARIANS ARE DRUNKS. NIXON
WAS A SAGITTARIAN. YOU ARE NOT WORTH THE TIME OF DAY.
CAPRICORN - DECEMBER 22 to JANUARY 19
YOU ARE CONSERVATIVE AND AFRAID
OF TAKING RISKS. YOU ARE BASICALLY A CHICKENSHIT. THERE HAS
NEVER BEEN A CAPRICORN OF ANY IMPORTANCE. YOU SHOULD KILL
YOURSELF.
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